<p>It&rsquo;s common for grieving people to struggle with the following conflicting thoughts: If I feel okay today, this must mean I&rsquo;m forgetting my loved one! My suffering is a sign of how much my loved one meant to me. If I&rsquo;m not suffering, my love for them must be diminishing! If I stop feeling the deep pain of grief, it means life can move on without my loved one and I won&rsquo;t let that be true. The only thing that keeps me connected to my loved one is the pain of my grief. Any piece of that grief that disappears is another piece of my loved one disappearing. It&rsquo;s common to gravitate towards the pain, especially when it feels like the only alternative is losing connection to your loved one. <br /><br /> <strong>Remember, your loved one&rsquo;s memory does not live in the pain of your grief. </strong><br /><br /> Say it out loud: My loved one&rsquo;s memory does not live in the pain of my grief. It lives in YOU; in the stories you tell about your loved one, memories you share with others, things you do that your loved one taught you; things you do in their honour and memory; in every little thing you do to stay connected to them &ndash; like taking photos, listening to music they loved, or making their favourite food. <br /><br /> In your initial grief, things like music, photographs and reminders can bring pain, so you may think if the pain starts to heal that these things mean less to you, which means your loved one&rsquo;s memory is disappearing, which means your love for them is diminishing. <br /><br /> But that&rsquo;s not true, say grief experts. As time passes our brain learns to manage the emotional pain. Slowly but surely, we gain a bit more control and pain starts to ease slightly. This doesn&rsquo;t mean your loved one is disappearing as your pain eases; rather, you are learning to live with the memory of your loved one in a different way. <br /><br /> <strong>Embrace the idea that as pain diminishes, you may actually find more space to consciously continue bonds and to keep your loved one&rsquo;s memory alive. </strong><br /><br /> One grief expert shared how following her dad&rsquo;s death, if a CCR song came on the car radio, she had to change the station or she&rsquo;d cry hysterically. As time passed, when a CCR song came on the radio, she&rsquo;d sing along, &ldquo;do a ridiculous car-dance,&rdquo; and tell whoever was around how much the song reminded her of her dad. <br /><br /> Your connection to your loved one can be part of your daily life, as you move forward and find a &ldquo;new normal.&rdquo; Figure out what that looks like for you, find positive ways to continue bonds with your loved one, and let go of more and more of the pain without fear of letting go of the person you love.</p>